The Sleepless Movie Review
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If you're going to buy this
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Written by Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman and directed by Michael Bay
144 Minutes
Rated PG-13 for intense sequences of sci-fi action violence, brief sexual humor, and language.

I made a promise to myself when I started writing these that I wouldn't review movies that would already have a sizable number of reviews unless I felt really strongly about the film. Unfortunately, my last few reviews have been sort of glowingly positive, and any self-respecting movie review site can't have that many smiles on it. Enter Transformers.

I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you people, or what I did to deserve this kind of movie-going public. Because you assholes are exactly who my movies are going to be sent into the wild for, assuming I ever get off the ground instead of bitching about movies on the internets. That anyone would think this is a good or even watchable movie is a mystery to me.

I went to Transformers for one thing and one thing only: giant robots fighting. That's it. I feel my request was a reasonable one given the movie was being marketed to me as an action film involving giant robots. I can forgive any number of fallacies if they were able to deliver on this one stupid, insignificant point. But they didn't. There was virtually no action in the film that wasn't already seen in the trailer. And if a trailer is three minutes long, and a movie is 144 minutes long, what the fuck did they do with 141 minutes?

I'll tell you what they did: they wasted my Goddamn time. And since they were so interested in developing a "plot" for this "film" - interested enough to spread this worthless bitch out over two hours - I'm going to go ahead and feel perfectly free to pick this fucker apart piece by piece. And I don't ask for quality writing from cheap entertainment. I'm not concerned with Jason's motivation in Jason X, nor am I concerned about familial crises in Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem. Why? Because these movies are obviously going to be dumb, and the story is just an excuse to string setpieces together. So long as those pieces are plentiful, I am satisfied. Yet because Transformers suffers from a dearth of hot robot action, and chooses to waste my fucking time with a quote-unquote "plot," I will tear that plot to shreds.

First, the plot sucks, that's a given. But the stupid human characters that inhabit the plot and prevent me from enjoying quality robot anarchy are irritating at best and offensive at worst. Our lead is a generic white guy, played by flavor of the month Shia LaBeouf, an actor who radiates that same "why do I have a career" that other notable talents like Ashton Kutcher do. I honestly hate his fucking face and pretty much everything about him, and I don't know why, maybe it's like an allergy or a phobia. Either way, fuck that guy. Our female lead is played by the beautiful Megan Fox, who will never get a chance to act, is probably too pretty for her own good, and is so misogynistically characterized that you half expect Dennis Hopper to start following her around and just calling her "tits." She exists for the men - especially the nerds - in the audience to whack it to. Anthony Anderson plays the same fucking guy he always plays, Jon Voight has challenged himself to find a film more humiliating to be in than Anaconda, and ordinarily talented John Turturro must have felt like he wasn't getting urinated on in enough movies.

Then there's the fact that the movie is miserably racist, and this evidences itself most in the autobot Jazz. Jazz speaks jive the entire movie, and is the only autobot to get killed. And when he DOES get killed, it's such a throwaway scene - not even a scene, just a shot - that it questions whether he ever had any importance at all. But that's okay, because the bot itself is colored black, he has a blaccent, and he speaks jive. Just so we're clear here: they killed the black autobot. Oh, and don't get in a huff about spoilers here, because there's nothing to spoil, since the crew who put together this fine film weren't compelled to even give him a death "scene." Just a shot. Tasha Yar's death in Season One of Star Trek: The Next Generation was more substantial, and Season One fucking sucked.

My contempt for this movie is boundless, and that stems largely from just feeling robbed of the one stupid thing I came for and being forced to sit through a shitty plot full of offensive caricatures. This is dumb entertainment that will actually make you a worse person for watching it. This is something that will make you dumber for having been a part of it. It is irredeemable. It fails on every basic level.

And to think I didn't even take time to bitch about the rampant shameless product placement, the obscene and relentless product placement spurting out of Michael Bay's cock into your smiling open mouths.

And you assholes spent money on this. And you told your friends to see it. And you rented it and bought it on DVD. I fucking hate you all.

- Dustin Sklavos

All written content and colored rating system copyright Dustin Sklavos 2009. All rights reserved. Do not reproduce without permission.