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THE CURSE
1987
Written by David Chaskin and directed by David Keith
92 Minutes
Rated R

I don't want to rag on Wil Wheaton - I like the guy - but when a movie's getting sold solely on his name, as this one currently is, it doesn't exactly bode well for the production. Even the director is (now arguably) more famous and getting paid more consistently, albeit as an actor. Watching The Curse, you can see why he might want to stick with his day job.

It bears mentioning that the film is an uncredited adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's story "The Colour Out of Space," so naturally it has to suck. I've never read the story, but Lovecraft's rocky history on film is borderline sub-Stephen King. At least King had a couple good movies adapted from his novels; Re-Animator and From Beyond are both entertaining films, but no one's ever going to mistake them for "good" though they're definitely good at what they do. While I haven't seen the recent The Call of Cthulhu, a cult film that was apparently very well received, in my experience the best Lovecraft movie ever made wasn't based on one of his works at all: John Carpenter's In the Mouth of Madness. But suffice to say, Lovecraft stories don't make for a very good film pedigree.

So I must inform you that The Curse is a disaster of Rawhead Rex proportions, with the exception that against our better judgment we actually finished watching The Curse. I will say that Wil Wheaton's involvement had something to do with it. But make no mistake: this is an awful movie that will provide you only a modicum of unintentional entertainment that is directly proportional to how much of a nerd you are. If you're a big nerd like me, Wil Wheaton can carry the whole thing for you.

Those familiar with Wil for his most famous work, "Star Trek: The Next Generation" (apologies to Stand By Me), probably either hate him intensely for Wesley Crusher, or have come to appreciate that honestly, Wesley wasn't that big a douche after season one and even approached likability until his heinous sign-off episode in season seven, "Journey's End." I'm even one of the few people that enjoyed the episode "The Game." And if you know and like the Wil Wheaton of today, there's a good chance you cut Wesley Crusher some slack.

However, if you just couldn't get over that fucking kid going on the bridge, sitting in the captain's chair, saving the Enterprise too many fucking times to count, being meant for "great things" (God damn go to Hell Traveler), and just generally being a whiny, snot-nosed little bitch for a healthy amount of the series, rent this movie. Because he gets the crap beaten out of him. He gets smacked a few times, and falls face first in a big pile of shit. If you want to see Wesley Crusher victimized for 90 minutes, rent this movie.

But there's a catch, of course, and that catch is that at one point you have to see him in his underwear. His tighty-whiteys. Nothing else. I cannot fathom who on the production thought that would be a good idea, and it's nice to see he's gained some weight since then.

Okay, so what, though, so you're not a "Star Trek: The Next Generation" fan (Blasphemer! Heretic!), you want to know what this movie has to offer you. Uh...crazy shit? The movie gets pretty God damn random as it wears on, but a large part of the problem is that it's just really dull to look at. Director David Keith does nothing to spice up any of his shots; the movie is an exercise in joyless, uninteresting filmmaking. This movie could've been played to the hilt and earned maybe a 6.0 on IMDb (being generous here), but Keith's uninspired directing is C work. It completes the minimum requirement of making the film. And the special effects work is...well, let's just say you're bound to find a few laughs there.

Look, this movie sucks an ass. I bought it in a double feature with the equally (possibly even worse) abominable Curse 2: The Bite, which promised me radioactive snakes and FUCKING FAILED TO DELIVER THEM IN ABUNDANCE. I bought it because it said "Wil Wheaton" on it and being the dutiful nerd I am, though, "Well fuck, now I have to buy it." You don't need to make my mistake. There are better bad movies out there for you, less boring ones.

And you certainly wouldn't want to double feature this with Curse 2: The Bite and watch them back to back.

I mean that would just be stupid.

- Dustin Sklavos

All written content and colored rating system copyright Dustin Sklavos 2009. All rights reserved. Do not reproduce without permission.